I've been hearing a lot of "not enough" lately. And I have been feeling super, overwhelmingly not enough.
The last year of law school so far seems long, overwhelming, and exhausting. I guess just as the whole thing has been so far. On top of a clinic and three classes, I have also been back and forth with weird medical things that I have mentioned here and there before. I just do not have enough to go around.
And last Thursday, I had to have my thyroid biopsied thanks to a mass they found on a CT scan last month. As I always do, I researched the procedure beforehand (do not recommend) and was consequently terrified of what was to come. A was luckily able to come into the biopsy room with me, but unfortunately because of the weird angle they put my head, I couldn't see her. In fact, all I could see was the four people towering over me with needles and anesthetic and an upside view of the ultrasound machine they use to guide the needles.
I say needles because the procedure involves several. In my case the doctor did four needles on after another. Before each needle they sprayed my neck with an anesthetic that did not do more than make my skin cold and red. I could still feel the needle pierce the right side of my neck, and most uncomfortably, I could feel the needles moving around inside my neck and thyroid as the doctor attempted to grab enough cells for an adequate sample. When, after the fourth needle, the doctor said she wasn't sure they'd gotten enough I wasn't sure I could handle another go around. Luckily (?) four is the max they do in one sitting.
So now I wait for the results, which may very well be that we didn't get enough and I have to do the whole thing all over again.
I'm normally not a person that likes to miss classes. Ever since I was a kid, if I missed one day of school I would get all worked up that I would never be able to catch up and should just never go again. I actually failed a ceramics class in college for this very reason -- I worked myself up so much about a few absences that I never went back (Oh, and my mom accidentally dropped and broke my final project [naked lady torso, obvs] and secretly tried to glue it back together for me so that on the last day I turned in what was essentially a set of cracked, crooked purple sparkly boobs.)
I've gotten much better since the ceramic boob incident of 2009, but it still stresses me out to miss class. And yet here I am feeling like I just don't have quite enough to go around between classes and doctors and everything else that comes with being an adult. Normally, I feel like if I just really keep going even when I think I can't, I can get it all done. And now, either I don't have the motivation to keep going when I think I can't, or I just don't have anything left to give. Even getting my reading done is a struggle, much less actually feeling prepared for classes and being able to stay on top of all the other assorted deadlines that constantly bombard 3Ls (co-op, fellowships, jobs, internships, writing contests, journal assignments, forever and ever!).
Hence the blog kind of dropping off. Because it's hard to feel motivated to write (which is why this exists) when I can barely wrap my mind around reading 30 pages of cases about fiduciaries for admin law.
So right now, I'm just trying to remind myself how much better it feels when its done. I can put it off and put it off and put it off, but then it only feels more like all i have to turn in is broken sparkly boobs. If I just get this stuff done first, immediately, the more it feels like I actually can handle what comes next.
Seriously, how do you remind yourself that putting it off just makes everything worse?